Infinitely linked

To the ones who have been with me from the very beginning of life --

Every so often we encounter one another in time and share a profound moment
This is but a catalyst to our journeys
We cross paths only to separate to bring about a change from within

Our first meeting is only a keystone to unlocking our hidden past
To remind ourselves that we are not illusions limited to the bodies we occupy presently

I have traveled above and beyond the universe gathering the energy needed
For the battles ahead that I must face and endure
I keep silent in the cloak of mystery
Invisible from your physical eyes
As I protect you from the suffering that overwhelms you
Only to appear in your dreams to remind you I am real
That in one moment we will meet again

I move in silence to the beat of the universe
I cast light upon those waiting in the shadows
Showing that there is nothing to fear
For I am here as I have always been
From the moment you speak my name
I am by your side in your darkest hour
Never shall you be alone when in need
As this is what divine creation has given unto me.

All I ask of you is to not forget me
To remember who I am
So that I may return once again
When I am needed
To be by your side
And help you stay on course.

This is the guardian in me.

Grounded

And when it was all over she spoke softly in front of me and said, “Go outside and light the fire. Make sure you burn it to ashes to cleanse yourself.”

As I slowly stepped out into the cool night, I was mesmerized by the crescent moon beside two vertically aligned planets and felt an indescribable feeling. Confident, yet somehow; unsure.—Mystical, yet somehow unchanged.

The fact it happened on this particular night of an alignment that only appeared once every few decades, led me to believe that the more I learn the more I do not know.

I had been hastily jumping through space and time in my current journey that I had forgotten the significance as to why I saw the keystones marking the events that allowed me to remember my reason for coming back to this present era. I wondered how many times I repeated the same path. How many alternatives I’ve seen and gone through? How many more will I face? Will I be able to complete my mission?

“They are only possibilities. Nothing is certain,” were the words she used from our previous conversation. Somehow those words echoed strongly in my mind and in that instant I lit the paper and watched the fire smolder in my hands. A gentle breeze swept the ashes up into the moonlit sky and I whispered my resolve, “I am here NOW. Thank you for the light given to me. I will do my best to let the light touch those all around me. Wherever I go, even in darkness there is always light. Never again will I forget.”

And it was then when I remembered the importance of our meeting. The significance of—the everything and nothing in me. What I had dreamt and waited patiently for several years to happen and what had occurred at this present night were calmly uttered by her as one messenger to another, “you came here to listen and observe. So listen. Observe.”

Somehow I felt I had to hear it from her. And somehow she understood, even though we both knew the message came from an arcane source. It had felt such a relief to finally feel grounded for once in this life.

Short and Sweet

I have the tendency to write as much as I feel I need to write.

But I want to try something new. Short and concisely sweet enough to indirectly and directly describe my thoughts. That is very Zen and not Zen at all.

After all, everyone has other things to do with their time.

A monk once said, "Get rid of anything that does not aid you."

If your way of thinking is similar to mine, there can be an infinite source of paths to take with that one phrase. And it's true meaning arises differently at every stage of one's life.

Amorphous is what I am to a certain extent and it is still a label is it not? There are those who are defined by their words, experiences, attributes, ideals or thoughts but when you look at it from the universal principle then everyone is to a variable degree amorphous.

Whether it is religion, science, experience, knowledge, power, etc you name the word and everything and nothing comes to mind. You as the individual are not the same person from when you were one, five, 15, 20, 30 and so forth. It's still you the whole you but the stages of your individual self is very much amorphous.

Your brain as a child destroys the pathways in your neurotransmitters and connects and adjusts to produce new paths because it simply wasn't needed. That influence is directly linked to what you are exposed to externally in your environment as well as internally through your genetics.

You take what you think is most concerted by your brain, mind, and body as well as your soul to evolve in another level of your development. And sometimes you can't or won't.

That is only one way of looking at "Getting rid of anything that does not aid you."

A tale of polarities

Here in the light is where I am. My darkness which resides in me has waned momentarily as I let it sleep in the course of its cycle. I awaken once again and I listen to the natural patterns of the universe. I can still recall the early stages where it felt like raging battles of polarities. My light wanting to take course of action; and my darkness not willing to receive the energy. I was still very young then and had not realized its complementary union. I had not yet learned the word to describe this experience. Not opposites in which I thought of but in contrast to a reflection of the differences linked together.

We exist as one the light and dark; the good and evil; the positive and negative. The meaning to each component I see is regarded with intrinsic value to each individual. Yet why is it so hard to accept that we exist simultaneously? Can you feel extreme emotions at the same time? Yes and no. Can you look at two sides with objectivity? Yes and no. Must it be black and white? Yes and no.

Any view can be given a sound explanation based on a person’s experiences, ideas or beliefs. I am here not to convince you; only to show a way that another idea exists. Can you love and hate a person? Can you feel in control and not in control of a situation? You can be aware of its existence but unless you experience it then the idea will remain a distant possibility. I can take and receive the forces which I have no control of. These are the cycles which exist in me. And I control it to a certain degree. How many times have you been angered but had to remain calm in a situation? How about lying to a person so as to avoid hurting their feelings? Can you see the various cycles of relationships in your own self? The very contrasts in relation to the universe? Can you see the truth and lies of the matter? Beliefs are hard to change because it involves an experience that is attached to a person’s emotion. Ideas are easily manipulated because it does not stem from any attachment and therefore it is spontaneous in action. So here I am with my infinite potentialities accessible to my own creation.

At This Moment of Now

At this moment of now...

I am sitting in the center of the room and reminiscing the moments of this past year.

I close my eyes so that I may see within the darkness the light which allows my thoughts to open the endless pathways; to unlock the unknown realities; to walk the path of least resistance.

I am in the moment of now.

I can look back and see the extensions of the former selves all linked together in one harmony.
I look not with eyes of my own, but with the eyes that can see within all angles - to strive for an altruistic nature yet maintaining a balance to not lose myself in the process.

The cycles that were formerly present are now considered incongruities and these diversions were chosen to allow a sense of development in my being.

I slowly open my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun shining upon my face; I hear the wind whispering in my ear in a language that I do not Speak but my heart knows what it is saying and I smile because life is so beautiful and only more precious because one never knows when it will all end.

Ahh, to be mortal is the greatest thing.

Oh silly me

To be able to take complex ideas and make it simple to understand without sounding too pretentious is one of the lessons I learned from a Kung fu student, a master, and a teacher.

I had earlier written a blog that titled, "Various levels of awakening leads to enlightenment?" and once I was finished it wouldn’t post and I didn’t save it. Silly me, I could look at this in a number of ways.

Posting a blog automatically saves a draft. Mine had an error stating couldn’t connect to blogger and warned in RED color font that post might not be published due to an error. There was even a little triangular yellow warning sign. –I ignored it. Why? I figured that I seen it so many times before that it’s just there to annoy me again and that I will be able to post my blog as I did the other times even with a yellow triangle icon from before. ---Nope not this time. So the work is gone. Can I go back and get it?

I could rewrite all over again. I could paraphrase it again. I could just leave it until next time.

I choose the latter. Why simply because the feeling of the work’s moment has escaped my interest and rewriting it all over again wouldn’t be the same as I try to recreate the idea in which I wanted to share with you.

I could look at this as laziness. Or that it was meant to be. Or that I am a silly person and that I should not have assumed that my previous yellow triangular warning signs of an icon that desensitized my thoughts into thinking that it doesn’t mean anything because when that icon showed the last few times I still managed to publish my posts. – I will remember next time. i.e. always expect the unexpected. That --to use my previous experience only as a guideline but never base it on the present or future. I do hope I remember this lesson.

The Big bang theory and String Theory interesting concepts. I do not know the scientific technical aspects of it even though I have read much on it, I understand the big universal underlying concepts of it. By which my little brother who was taking nanotechnology and decided to change his major due to being attracted to financial aspects of another science major –which by the way he still hasn’t informed me which major he’s decided on – has always explained to me the physics of it all. – genius that boy is really. Anyway, I am a fan of the Universe show from the History Channel and I like how the program is very edutaining for the masses. Although, to a physicist or student of physics it might be perceived is quite lame and ‘blockbuster’ kind of series. – Doesn’t matter. Informing a wider audience in a platform to help them understand the concepts of intricate theories is their main objective.

I had recently seen an episode that one scientist is trying to manipulate space and time and that there could be a breakthrough of using some laser particles to travel into the past from the future. Do we really want to be able to manipulate the past in order to change the future? Such dangerous consequences that would be if such a technology could exist. However, our history and evolution was formed in such a way that it has shaped us to what we are today. Although I wouldn’t mind going back to the past and retrieving my lost work just so that I can post to you what I had written about; would be a very amusing and time-worthy notion for me.

What kind of multiverse would that be? Ohh let’s go see my sixth dimensional self and pop in and say hello. Sounds like the show ‘Heroes’ which by the way is an awesome show. Bending space and time. I have experienced such a phenomenon. What could that classify me then? Where did my energy go to that could possibly be defined as multiple experiences of dejavous? The new age types would definitely agree that my state of consciousness has be awakened from an early age of two. The shamans would describe me as being able to see what most cannot see and is in touch with the universe and other practitioners of mystics would regard me as having the eye or energy. Buddhist monks would say that I am on the path to enlightenment and that I am a Buddha-in-waiting. Psychologists would describe it as being able to use my left and right brain more efficiently. But really, does it matter what one calls it? To me, it only matters that I can view it from all angles (at least as much as I am exposed to) or come across in my journey and yet not being tied to any one. And the best thing about it, is that everyone and anyone can activate their own sense of awareness.

So bending time and space is not such a big deal to me only because I can have experiences of knowing things which my mind doesn’t know; yet I know them unconsciously and it manifests into reality on a conscious level at various moments in my life. Does that make me weird, strange, possessed, insane, evolved… what word to put I do not know for I am still rational in my thinking but I have learned to use my irrationality more efficiently. I am not physically there but I am there and not there. Hahaha. I liked the way my teachers and masters smiled or laughed when I would learn something new. It wasn't because of their assurance that I was learning something, it was because I wanted to learn something new that I put my energy into action.

I am only human and still a student in learning what possibilities people are capable of. I have met many people who have said that they experience these types of dejavous occurrences which psychologists explain by the matters of the mind. --That the brain processes vast amounts of information on a daily basis and ‘slices’ the data into a way of understanding the non-understanding of everything we see and don’t see. We all want an explanation to deconstruct the elements which we do not know or understand.

So going back in time or into the future not physically but spiritually is an occurrence that people can experience and ‘do’ experience. I am not the only one who has gone through a dejavous moment. What energy has traveled where time does not exist and has created a link that allows us all to not understand through our mind but to feel it without words? That I do not know.

All I know for now is that I didn’t save my silly post and I wish I had but now that I deconstructed and analyzed my situation, the consequence is what it is. And I accept it. I will integrate a new blog next time and I will make the decision to be aware that I cannot take past experiences and use it as a source to define my present or future.

Learning Oneself

June 10, 2008

It was not so long ago when I stood at the precipice of the universe and felt so much anguish and torment at the experiences that I have been through and the guilt of not being able to save a life (even though I know there was nothing my spirit nor my physical self could possibly do as much as I tried) as well as seeing all that was; all that is; all that will be; and not seeing it at all…and being spiraled into a never-ending nothingness. I just kept falling at the dark abyss that never seemed to start or finish and just being in the bowels of hell. But, through it all; a deep knowing that - this emotion was to pass eventually…and in that moment the balance of light and dark appeared before me.

It has come to my understanding and non-understanding that I am exactly where I am suppose to be at this moment in my life.

To be carrying such an important gift was always a frightening burden during my early stages, but as physical time went on, I began to realize that it was such a perfect combination of all that I am and was entrusted to me by the universe to realize my potentiality in emerging as one of the guardians of balancing the light and dark. I am the daughter of light and dark. I am the Queen of My Universe.

Such a seductive power to have and to be easily used for evil; and I have done my share of causing pain and torment to others during my early years and for that I will remember the emptiness inside of my soul. So I will never return to that but will always keep an objective outlook towards all that is and all that is not because in my core being that I am, all that I really want is to be good; to be great in being pure as much as I can strive while I am here; and most importantly to be true to myself is all that I am aware of doing and being.

The challenges that I have faced and still yet to face are nothing but that; only challenges. To be aware is to be able to spiritually be in all; omniscient; omnipresent and unlocking all that is not and is; the infinite possibilities while at the same time not being there at all. The ability to pick and choose a path or destination and reaching the point of consequence and living it out is truly an experience in itself.

Acceptance of the causality of the decisions that one makes is just the end result of what led to that situation. The consequence is what one lives with, good or bad. The knowledge that I remember in my consequences face significance each and every time I release all emotion and be objective.

To look at all the angles and create a positive learning experience in the process of my journey -- This to me, is subsequently why I will return home and be welcomed back in my universe for all eternity. And in my heart and soul, this gift that I have; I am able to be there always whenever I want to be. For this moment now, this vessel, my container of my spirit shall learn more each day why mortality is not to be tampered with. I shall forever remember the fragility of this physical life as a chrysalis leading to infinite possibilities for my soul to learn.

This is who I am NOW.

In Loving Memory of Natasha...One Year On

July 11, 2008


In Loving Memory of Natasha

11/10/80 – 20/7/07

One year on…

Has it already been a year my love
I still feel you in every moment
I can see your light
And feel your heart in mine.

I still fly up to where you are
Just to keep the memory of you with me
And when I return
I capture the essence of the universe
Here inside always
And you will be happy for me
As I am learning to use my heart more.

In this waking world
Time changes everything
I treasure the dreams we spoke about
And they are already being manifested into reality.

I feel your presence around me
Watching with loving eyes
Seeing me grow
Nurturing my inner-being
Into the Queen of the Universe
That you always see in me.

Thank you my love
For being here always with me
And never letting me forget
Why I am still here
And why I came back
I will remember even in my last breath…

In Loving Memory for Natasha Mitrovic 11/10/80 - 20/7/07

A journey in time

NATASHA MITROVIC
Jul 27, 2007


I ask for your forgiveness Natasha, first and foremost since your number 2 Ugly Duckling has writer's block. You were always the better storyteller than I was. I'm only a pseudo-writer on paper and at this moment I cannot even begin my story.

Words, thoughts, descriptions of you written by me will only diminish the very essence of who you are as a person. So this is why I ask for your forgiveness. I close my eyes and reminisce about all the memories I have of you and they are infinite. It is impossible for me to sum up a story, an experience, an idea or a thought for there are endless doors and pathways that I keep picturing all the times I shared with you. So forgive me darling, you're my Serbian Warrior Princess, my number one Ugly Duckling, my partner in crime, my best friend, my sister and so much more. The relationship we have borders no limits. There were no boundaries my love. Remember how we used to try to describe our relationship with each other to other people. You would start and I would interrupt and say, "Well you see, she's my sister a lifetime before so that makes her my sister now, she's also my best friend, husband, wife, brother, mother, father and whatever other relation you can think of all rolled into one. We are the perfect combination because we alternate and jump all around from one to another according to whatever our heart desires for that moment."

You are my diamond Natasha, only you know what you mean to me. Wherever we were we'd always talk about one or the other. It did not matter what people thought of us for we follow our hearts. When it came to the matters of the heart we were fearless. I'd share one story and you would listen. You would say how you felt according to what you thought at that time. Complete and utter brutal honesty to how we thought and felt was the order of the day. That was why we grew; the freedom of knowing each other so well strikes the very core of my soul, my inner-being. So I ask for your forgiveness for my words do you no justice. You are the most amazing passionate independent woman I have ever met. Your aura would emanate so fiercely that anyone who stood in your presence would immediately be aware of you. There was never a dull moment and we would have moments of sitting in front of each other in complete silence and when either one would break the silence we would laugh because we understood each other so completely or we would talk endlessly and go from idea to thought to experience and randomly go back and forth without missing a beat while others would get lost in the process of our thinking; we'd understand immediately. The little intricacies of our thought patterns, habits or endless mood swings were synchronized.

So forgive me darling because it's you and me, me and you, Natasha and Angel, Angel and Natasha. You gave me the courage and strength to use my heart more, you gave me the will to fight when I was suffering, you gave me your heart whenever I needed you, you gave me everything and so much more. G-d I must sound selfish because I'm talking about myself and not you. What do I say Natasha? You know how I am...I want people to know that you feel with your heart, that you are a compassionate person, you're thoughtful and sweet as well as strong and fierce. You were never afraid of saying what you felt and you did what your heart desired. You seized the day. You lived each day to the fullest and that is why I admire you so much. You are the Queen of Life, you represent how one should live fully without question or doubt and without hesitation. You are the greatest guardian and mentor I ever had. To live a life with knowing who you are as a person, what you want to accomplish and having a confidence that is so profound always humbled me. For you saved my life Natasha. In the beginning of this year when no one else knew about my heart problems, you saved me. You brought me back to life my love. That night in your apartment when I could not breathe...YOU SAVED ME. You saved my life darling. You are my hero, my guardian, my sister, my best friend, my everything and I want others to know that your heart expands so infinitely that it is such an HONOR to have met you. I have the privilege of truly knowing who you are as a human being. So please forgive my short story of you.

I pray for your love, your kindness, your soul, and the people you have touched with your heart and left an impact in their lives.

I will always lub you Natasha for I pray for your well-being. Wherever you are, may G-d give you Eternal Peace. I will see you in heaven one day as promised. Peace be with you always my love and thank you for always watching out for me. You will be forever missed by me.

Love always,

your Angel

Sleepless nights

It happens when you least expect it.
You are getting ready to go to bed…
Your body is tired from the day and your mind is exhausted.
All you want to do is fluff your pillows and lay your head and fall fast asleep.
That is if you can muster the energy to fluff your pillows…in which case YOU DON’T!
You brush your teeth as fast as you can, wash your face and go to your room.
There is hardly anytime time when you long for a good night’s rest.
You sleepily walk back to your bedroom and switch off the lights.
If it’s a summer night you decide to sleep in the nude.
And if it’s winter and cold you put your pj’s on so you can be toasty and warm.
Either way you can’t be bothered because as soon as you’re in bed all thoughts are about sleeping.
Once in bed, it’s dark, and in some nights as soon as you close your eyes, you’re fast asleep.
But No, not this night.
This night, for some obnoxious reason, you can’t.
And then a small annoyance creeps stealthily in your mind…
Slowly it dawns on you, that tonight of all nights, --
The melatonin in your brain is not signaling its proper function for you to induce sleep.
As soon as that thought enters…
You wait for it…
Then, you are aware that you just want to scream with all annoyance and irritation that-
It will NOT be EASY to SLEEP tonight!
WHY?!! Why oh why tonight?
It’s pitch dark, your eyes are shut, the sounds of the night are there, you know you need to sleep.
Now if you are sleeping next to your significant other you open your eyes and you can barely see them in the dark,
But from the sounds that you hear, that person is clearly in another realm.
I remember those nights with pristine memory.
I just want to be exactly where that person is…fast asleep dreaming or not dreaming…just sleeping peacefully.
Now I am not a mean person, and there are only two things which truly annoy me to the brink of insanity.
I will mention only one, that is- when someone is fast asleep and I AM WIDE AWAKE and cannot sleep!
I just want to wake up that person because I am not thinking properly at this point.
I find it absolutely irritating to the point where I cannot stand another being in my bedroom and I am the only one awake!
So yes, I do apologize for the times I have woken up and purposely disrupted someone else’s sleep.
And if there is no one by your side at this particular night, it still does not matter.
You are still laying down on your comfortable bed, with your feather down pillows,…in my case all seven pillows, but reduced to five since I kicked it off the bed from shear frustration.
A thought enters in your mind…then another,…then another…by the time you know it there are a million thoughts…and it’s a train of thoughts and you stop yourself…WHY…BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL WIDE AWAKE!!!
You try calming yourself down.
You say to yourself…let’s try breathing slowwwwwllllyyy….counting your breathing…one…inhale…slowly…two…exhale…slowwwwllyy…three…again…repeat…as much as needed…
No thoughts enter…
HA!! You wish…you are obviously counting your breathing so NOPE…that’s still thinking…DAMN…you curse in all the words you have ever learned…
And you start to whine…and take pity on yourself because you are still thinking…and in thinking…your brain is still functioning regardless…but it is your mind that is not shutting out…
ONEtwothreefourfivesixseveneightnine…what the FUCK are you doing!!!! Why are you counting…why are you thinking still?!! STOP it!
Picture an isolated island…it’s just you laying down on a four poster bed on the beach (WHAT…this is my meditation…think what you want…I am NOT getting sand on my body tonight!!!) it’s a massive bed so what if I am thinking luxurious thoughts…it’s my bloody thought damn it! So I am there laying down on the most comfortable bed ever and it’s a warm cool night and I am watching the infinite stars twinkling and I hear the ocean. JUST ME there and I am closing my eyes….
STOP!!! You are making it too fucking detailed…go to SLEEP!!!! Stupid A.D.D. syndrome!!!!
Wait, I think I still have some stilnox in the medicine box and it’ll put me to sleep chemically…NO! I finished it! SHIT! !@#$%!#$$%&$!!!!!!
Now what? I am still………awake…….thank g-d I am alone tonight because if I wasn’t I will be capable of starting a massive fight for no apparent reason!
Because at this point, hell just broke lose, and I am angered to the point that if I had a gun I would just blow my brains out!! Ok stop with the melodramatics
OH MAN!! I am still thinking, and my thoughts just keep coming.
I don’t want to talk now inside. I don’t want to talk to the universe. I don’t want to talk to anyone and listen to them. I don’t even want to listen to silence.
Because that would just mean I am still wide awake, CONSCIOUS, AWARE, TOTALLY awake!
So stop! Just stop!
FOCUS! Concentrate!
Blank. Blank. I hear my heartbeating. My breath is slowing down. Thump. Thud.
What was that!
DAMN! I heard something outside, The freaking dogs are barking nonstop!
!@#$%#%^&$&$%@$%^!!!!
Ok. It is silent again apart from the crickets making their silly sounds.
SLEEP. Dear g-d please I want a MIRACLE now and make me sleep.
I won’t ask anything tomorrow. JUST TONIGHT, I just want sleep….
Sleepy sleepy tired body of mine…
NOPE. It’s useless.
FOCUS! AGAIN for the umpteenth time.
FOCUS! You have mastered the art of controlling yourself. You know how to do it, inside. Free yourself from all thoughts. Remember what you learned.
And the last thought unfinished was…
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..